Monday, February 28, 2011

31 weeks and counting...

I absolutely cannot believe that I am nearing the end of this pregnancy.

All over Facebook I hear people commenting on "0h, I wish Spring would come soon!". But secretly, I almost dread the warmer weather. Because with it... comes birth.

May 4th is the due date of our sweet Baby "G". Francesca's was April 24. 10 days difference. So as I walk this path of pregnancy, I feel as though I am relieving the path of last year's.

Even now, we are doing things that we were doing last year... 4-H Pancake Breakfast, helping our church prepare for some of its members to take a missions trip to Haiti, planning Arianna's birthday party, etc.

I was doing SO GOOD staying strong emotionally and spiritually during this pregnancy. But now I feel like like everything within me is crumbling, giving into fear and anxiety.

I think about Francesca ALL OF THE TIME! And I think about Baby "G" ALL OF THE TIME.

There was no human/earthly reason for Francesca to pass. There was nothing wrong with her or myself medically. Perfectly healthy placenta, umbilical cord, everything. The doctor who did her autopsy actually said, "this was an act of God". No earthly explanation...

I have absolutely NOTHING but God and His Word to cling to at this time. NO ONE can help. NO ONE can do anything. NO ONE can promise me a good outcome.

Not even me. I can eat right, exercise, take my prenatals and herbs... but it all rests outside of my control. Absolute control over life and death rests in God alone. He is the Author, Creator, and Sustainer of all life.

All the days ordained for me were written in His book before one of them came to be (Ps 139:16).

I literally CLING to Ps. 139:16 as my source of comfort. Francesca's days were ordained. Baby "G's" days are ordained. Whether that's 9 months... or 90 years.

I don't merely want to "endure" the rest of this pregnancy. I want to enjoy it, savor it. I want to stand strong and fearless, God as my Rock. To have a peace that surpasses all understanding. An unwavering strength and trust in God. An unshakable settledness in my soul.

And I truly believe this is just where God wants me to be right now. Broken. In order that I will completely rest in Him alone, and no earthly prop or person.

Do I want to be here?... No.
But is it where God wants me?... Yes.

So here I will stay...
in His hands.
Completely in His care.
Completely resting in Him alone.

Take My Life
Take my life and let it be
consecrated, Lord, to Thee.
Take my moments and my days,
let them flow in ceaseless praise.
Take my hands and let them move
at the impulse of Thy love.
Take my feet and let them be
swift and beautiful for Thee.

Take my voice and let me sing
always, only for my King.
Take my lips and let them be
filled with messages from Thee.
Take my silver and my gold
not a mite would I withhold.
Take my intellect and use
every power as You choose.

Here am I, all of me.
Take my life, it's all for Thee.

Take my will and make it Thine
it shall be no longer mine.
Take my heart it is Thine own
it shall be Thy royal throne.
Take my love, my Lord I pour
at Your feet its treasure store
Take myself and I will be
ever, only, all for Thee.
Take myself and I will be
ever, only, all for Thee.

Here am I, all of me.
Take my life, it's all for Thee.

(Take my life, Lord take my life. Take all of me)

Here am I, all of me.
Take my life, it's all for Thee.